Feeling Blue...

Yes I am feeling blue....I am helpless...not depressed...yet feeling low....Jan 31st is the worst day of my life...I never felt so helpless...I found out i was pregnant on dec29th 07. It was the happiest new year i ever celebrated....but it is turning out to be the worst year, yes worser than 05, at least then, I got Farah as a consolation...!

It was like any other day. Woke up early, got ready and got farah ready for school...when i started the car in the garage it made a funny noise...so on my way to school, i called abdul and told him that the car might break down and wanted him to be ready in case we broke some where..but thanks to God, we reached school safely and dropped her. but when i came back to the car, it just wouldn't start..FATE! I got so nervous since i had my first appt for Ultrasound...I was going to hear the baby's heartbeat or so i thought!!

I called Abdul and he came to fix the car...after a lot of wasted minutes we finally called AAA...it had started snowing heavily..so we changed plans and dropped the car in mechanic shop and picked farah and went to the obgyn as a family..she fell asleep in the van, so abdul decided to stay outside while i went inside the doctor's office.

after the initial checkup, the ultrasound technician called the senior doc and he came and shook his head and was talking to the technician...all i could imagine was may be they didn't see the baby properly...then the doc held my hands and told that there was no heartbeat for the baby...WHAT? HOW? All that was in my head was, what is he saying...I don't understand a single word of what he is speaking?? All I could hear was my heart pounding...it took me a second to realize what kind of news he had said to me....I burst into tears and the nurse brought Abdul and Farah inside...

What can i do? what did i do? what went wrong?why did it happen? questions...still lingering...even though my mind has come into terms with the real world..that is out of our hands and that it is God's decision to take my baby with Him...my heart still aches...still feels attached to my unborn baby...to my daughter's unborn sibling..to my husband's loving son or daughter......

When some things happen and u have no control over it and when it might be smallest of the things and yet it leaves the biggest impact in your life....I think it is normal to feel helpless...I pray to Allah to give me the strength to overcome this loss...to help protect my family from the evil that exists in the world...for days filled with Peace...nothing more do i need from Him!! let there be Peace!!Insha Allah!